An early morning walk

Today , I woke up long before my usual time, 5 AM in the morning.
I flipped , I tossed,I  spread on to my bed ,to put myself into another spell of hibernation.
But then came a thought. What this world looks like at 5 AM in the morning?
It has been long time,years indeed. Early riser in me is gone.

So I decided. to walk, to walk in today's sleepy morning.
Lazy in me, contrived. Body tried to defy,  legs pretended  fatigue, head connived with phoney head-ache.
But at last,Will triumphed over the laze.

So I got up and I walked.I walked beyond this concrete. I walked beyond this mankind.
I walked into solitude. I walked very light, without any thoughts , without any burden.
I walked empty, leaving my desires , my lusts back in my bed...

And there I was, where every thing was green.
I met some of my old friends.They welcomed me with their melodious songs. 
Songs of the life all around. Song of the life,emanating from tree tops, pulsating from sleepy side-way hedges.
And I was overwhelmed.
And I walked tiptoe,as slightest disturbance would be a crime.

 And then,there I sat .Trying to absorb something,trying to demystify something.
Morning breeze blew over my face. Morning breeze blew over lawn, sweeping away dead leaves.
And there I sat , pondering and wondering.

Then came the sun,glittering over tree tops,shining over morning mist...
It rose above in the horizon . It rose high in the sky , making a gloden path.
It was extraordinary to see that light , light filling the earth, light invigorating every leaf, light shining on thousand blades of grass..
It was extraordinary...

And with the sun light, came the people. People from all walks of life.
People who were young and full of vigor, people who were old and fragile..
People who were happy  and joyous. People who were sad and angry...
People who  liked my presence and  gave me smile.
People who pretended as if I do not exist.
I knew that was the time to return.

 

*Memoirs from my early morning  walk in Tampines eco green park.

Am I really an individual?

Question comes to me. Am i really an individual or two individuals interwoven into a single body ?
If I go by literal meaning of term 'individual', individual is someone beyond further division,it's singular and distinct from others.No split is possible without destroying intrinsic nature of  an individual. 

So, if I want to qualify as an individual, I must be singular.
Singular in my thoughts , in my actions , in my all deeds.There is no scope for duality within an individual.
There should be no conflict within ,no self thrashing, no self criticism,no regrets.
How I react , how I talk ,how I respond , should never come under my self criticism.All my actions should be in full accord with my whole being.

But this is not the case.My learnt self or say idealistic self is in constatnt conflict with my ego self.
 

My ego is hurting me since yesterday. It's blaming me for being submissive , for being timid and for not being able to rise above situation.I am accused of being servile. The situation demanded aggression to preserve self-worth. It expected counter-aggression.

Narrative is strong. ''Sachin, you must guard peripherals of  this being with full attention.
How can peace of mind prevail when sphere of  your being is intruded and challenged by negative energies?''
It advocates use of  animal behavior to guard dignity.Handle aggression with aggression. Throttle anger with anger.
  
On the other hand, this idealistic self of me ,says to renounce aggression . Subjugation of ego is must for emancipation. Negation of ego is must to transcend beyond misries of ordinary life.
Energy must not be wasted in gurading phoney orchards of ego.
Animal within me ,must be subdued.
Idealistic is against tit-for-tat tactics and have high regards for humbleness.My behavior must not be driven by others conduct. Idealistic recommends regulation of every thought , every emotion and reactive behavior is something to be discouraged.

 Whether i am awake or asleep, these two individuals inside me , are in constant struggle.
I am battle field for these two creatures , each trying to prevail over other.